There I was putting the final touches on — and worrying myself silly over — the second in what was supposed to be a two-part piece narrative on “pretending” and dealing with “pretentious” people when I received an email from my friend “Dean” who I reached out to for his thoughts on the topic. The Ivy League educated “Dean” is a deep thinker, prolific writer, business owner and member of our 26 Tiny Paintbrushes writer’s guild.
“I gotta tell you Terry that your surfacing the issue of pretending was spot on,” wrote Dean. “What a timely topic to delve into. It really got me thinking about how real and widespread pretending is and how rarely talked the issue is.”
“Depending on the situation, intent and those involved, pretending can either be harmless or insidious,” said Dean. “For example, if one is pretending to mask shame, embarrassment, save face, or like someone they really don’t, it’s probably harmless. On the other hand, if pretending (or lying) to secure personal gain at someone else’s expense, that is undeniably wrong. “
Has the current trend in banning history books written by people of color and LGBTQ Americans in some states because they “cause discomfort” and are “divisive” resulted in book banning advocates “pretending” that those histories never existed I asked him.
“Of course,” said Dean, “And now that you posed that question, it should be clear that pretending is more nuanced and far reaching than we probably think it is. There is the rare situation where people are not pretending in some way.”
So, if we pretend that out biggest challenge nowadays is an invasion of transgender people in lady’s rest rooms, or that CRT (Critical Race Theory) is being pounded into the heads of first graders, aren’t we in a laughable denial I asked.
“You’d think,” responded Dean. “But let’s take this analysis to a deeper level. If pretending is to entertain, amuse or generate laughter (think about a comedian), that is entirely acceptable. However, for certain people in the American culture and history pretending is a necessary survival skill. Consider what African American historian Dr. W.E.B. Du Bois wrote:
“It is a peculiar sensation, this double consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others. One ever feels his twoness, — an American, a Negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder.”
For generations,” said Dean, “our ancestors had to ‘pretend’ — with “dogged strength” in Dr. DuBois’ words — to survive a culture based on white supremacy. We had to hide our pride in ourselves, our history, our children; everything and anything that was good about us. We did this to protect ourselves from perceptions, demands and threats. What evolved was a survival technique that’s has been passed on for generations and has led to a ‘twoness’ that is often hard for others to understand.”
“Think, for example, of the need to have ‘the talk’ with our children,” he implored. “We are essentially telling them that it is necessary to pretend to be someone else or be less threatening when encountering police, especially during the times we currently live in. The ability can be lifesaving.”
And, while we’re on the topic, during a follow up phone call I asked Dean his thoughts about those who cling naïvely onto the fallacy and pretend that we live in a so-called “post racial America” despite facts to the contrary.
“Good question. I remember that the election of the first African American as president of the United States was when all the talk about post racial America started. Unfortunately, many still pretend that race is no longer an issue despite the facts.”
Now is pretending a way to disguise the truth? Absolutely. Shouldn’t we be authentic in all our communications and interactions? Yes. But pretending remains a necessary survival skill as Dean points out.
I end this by suggesting that we find out how to remove ourselves from the straitjackets of pretending. So just be yourself and do so without hesitation, an apology or an explanation. You’ll gain as many friends as you lose.
Once reach the sweet spot of authenticity you’ll feel better about yourself, feel freer to express your honest opinion, push back, gain respect and do less tap dancing and tip toeing just to “keep the peace!” And know that being authentic can have the reciprocal effect of encouraging others to behave likewise.
Oh, lest I forget to say this, hold onto the belief that most (but not all) people, although imperfect, seek to be good and because of that may resort to pretending to spare you from hurt feelings or disappointment, or perhaps their insecurities.
In closing, and although written in another context, here is an applicable quote from columnist Frank Bruni: “Who among us hasn’t put a coat of lacquer over our vulnerabilities, a serene façade on our roiling insides?” And the unasked question behind Bruni’s question is at what cost to you and others you interact with?
I’ll now step back to the tedious task of tweaking my original Part Two on dealing with pretentious people, although thanks to “Mr. Dean” it is now Part Three in our trilogy.
Oh, wait, dammit, I just found another typo!
© Terry Howard is an award-winning trainer, writer, and storyteller. He is a contributing writer with the Chattanooga News Chronicle, The American Diversity Report, The Douglas County Sentinel, Blackmarket.com, co-founder of the “26 Tiny Paint Brushes” writers’ guild, recipient of the 2019 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Leadership Award, and third place winner of the 2022 Georgia Press Award.
